My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
