I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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