My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
