No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
