So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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