sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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