apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
