He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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