i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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