First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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