you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
