I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
