It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
