Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
