the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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