Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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