How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
