Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
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The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
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He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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