Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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