Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
