She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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