his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
