well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
