Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
