You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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