wat bout pragnant strippers??
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I want a musical about memes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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