My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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