he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
