Jerry, you need to find god
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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