Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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