I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
birth control should be required to get into college
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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