Nicole vs. Life
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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