you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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