When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
