The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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