The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
