I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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