my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
