Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He shit in the fireplace
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
