toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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