I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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