I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
