I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
