You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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