we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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