You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize