so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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