The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
