She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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