margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
