We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
