Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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