So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
