"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
tell me about the fingering
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