So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
not ubering you a puppy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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