I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
